Before our school gets fired!

So this here incident... I want to give more details of what happened, what I did, and why.


Kindergarten dismisses the students to go to their after-school STAR class and they literally walk 20 ft to some tables where a STAR teacher is waiting. Simultaneously, parents are picking up their kindergartners and walking out a gate. Porter got dismissed to his class. He did STAR all last trimester, so he knows the drill. It was the first day of the new trimester for his skateboarding class. He saw that most all the other kids had skateboards and he didn't. He was embarrassed, and rather than talk to a teacher, he hit the road to avoid the confrontation.


After he came home and the shock wore off and the actuality of the situation sunk in, I asked more questions to make sure I was prepped with the full story. Due to the nature of it all, for better or worse his one-sided story was going to be the bulk of information. So after that, I came up with my plan.


Which obviously started at home. This was a huge indication of Porter's lack of confidence, which I've always been worried about, but this solidified that I had reason to worry. Imagine never having walked home alone and knowing that you shouldn't but still choosing to do that rather than talking to an adult because you feel out of place. That's a problem. And that's the main problem. He consciously made a decision to go against the rules and I really feel like the fault fell on him. He didn't 'get in trouble', but we helped him understand why he shouldn't do that and what he can do in the future. We're going to take a more pro-active approach is giving him opportunities to gain confidence and use his bravery to do HARD CRAZY things for good. Instead of just for running away. We made sure he knew our phone numbers and obviously he already knew our address and how to get home!


I called and talked to the STAR director who was obviously mortified. They had him marked absent and didn't follow up on absences that day which is protocol. I then talked to Porter's teacher. Before telling him what Porter had done, I asked him about the previous day's dismissal. He said he released him to STAR and even specified the class, which meant- according to my detective skills- he clearly remembered. I then told the teacher what happened and he about passed out as he saw his family, his living, and welfare flash before him. At that point, the STAR director joined me and I addressed my issues with the hole in the transition process. I talked strongly and confidently {without addressing Porter's responsibility} but without completely blaming them for the situation. I didn't 'let them have it' or fly off the handle.


So why did I take this approach? A couple of key reasons. While the school does not hold the kids' hands every step of the way, they had a program that was functioning rather well. All the years in operation, I'm guessing this is the first run-away case. Porter is in kindergarten, not pre-school. I think expectations along with shown actions indicate most Kindergartners are capable of navigating that 20 feet alone. And if they don't have the ability {which is different from choosing not to}, then I personally don't think they're ready for Kinder. Secondly, I was not going to wring the school's neck in front of my child for HIS poor decision. I think that sends a terrible message. Like I said, I firmly made them aware of their fault in the system but I'm a big believer in ownership and responsibility. I think it would have been a horrible precedence to show Porter that he can make decisions on his own but his parents will act as a buffer and blame someone else when it turns out to be a poor decision. The flip side of both points- expecting the school to hold my child's hand every step of the way and  blaming the school for Porter not doing something that he's proven capable of doing the previous 3 months- are evidence of a growing problem...youth gaining independence. I have a saying in regards to this issue- "The older they are, the harder they fall." I'm hoping to help my kids avoid some of those bigger pitfalls by learning at a young age to be independent and responsible and take ownership for THEIR actions. I will help them along the way and provide them with all the love and support in the world but I have no intention of carrying them when they can walk on their own and acting as a crutch. This was as good as time as any to teach that lesson.


The school also needed to take responsibility for THEIR part. Within 2 days an email was sent out remedying the problem. It was taken care of that quickly and efficiently without making a huge deal of it.


And, just on an ending note, after all was said and done, I was super proud that little Porter Pistol Pope knew how to navigate his way home. These past three years of stopping at the same driveways, having the kids look both ways, pushing the buttons, learning to follow the traffic signals....it all paid off. I didn't think he was capable to be honest. I would have never administered the test this early  and this doesn't grant him permission to EVER do this again in the near future but in case of an emergency, he's equipped and that makes me confident and proud. And as parents, isn't our ultimate goal to prepare them for productive, positive, independent adulthood? That's definitely my goal and shows we're making forward progress in that area. 


Ok, I'm stepping down from my soap box. But I would genuinely love your opinion/perspective on all this!

Summation

Oh I think I survived. You know, sometimes nothing feels as good as alone. And tonight's one of those nights. We've been very much hour by hour here at the Hansen home today. Which implies that things could be a lot worse. So I'm not complaining. But I would like to thank Pandora's Christmas station and some beautifully decorated Christmas homes for giving us a peaceful and muy memorable 25 minutes. Deeter's commentaries added to the night, "Oh MOM, this is an adorable Christmas house." "Oh MOM, I lub the red balls."  Thankfully Yosh already got ours up this year and they look awesome as pictured below.

Totally kidding. We're still holding on to our one strand of pumpkin and ghost lights that never got plugged in and look absolutely ridiculous. But I would love if our house looked like this.

Dallin B was saying his prayers tonight and was going on and on about our friend- whose name I didn't catch- who came to visit and we're so happy bc we haven't seen him in so long and we've missed him etc etc. I finally had to stop him mid-prayer and ask him who the heck he was talking about. "Henry." Oh yea, by some miracle our elf on the shelf arrived this morning at 6:45 just as I heard the kids stretching. Yes, Henry we have missed you. In that same prayer, Dallin prayed that "mom can have help dealing with the kids". That he knows it's hard even though he's not a mom. And he prayed about Dad being strict. Even though moments before him and Porter both said they love me but they love daddy more. And then somehow came back with the consensus that they loved us the same. The charity tie didn't do much for me. But it's kind of funny being a mom and how protective we are of others' relationships- I was almost relieved to hear them say they loved their daddy more. Part of me hopes that's true. Is it because I have no control over that relationship? I don't know.

Anyways, my final thoughts on the funeral that I wanted to get down. At the beginning of last week, as it became apparent my aunt was in her final days and her family was literally gathered around her 24:7 waiting for the final good-bye, my mind kept drifting to a poem that I fell in love with as a young freshman at Ricks College. For the first time though, I felt the words of this poem as I was doing my normal day-to-day chores- making breakfast, shipping kids to school, giving baths, laughing with my husband, etc- and my close family was experiencing heartbreak and anguish deeper than they ever had before. I'm intrigued with the way life jigsaws together. 

I was also aware of the heightened feelings of love and togetherness and closeness at the funeral. How those things that mattered most in life were at the forefront. I was thinking how these were feelings that already existed; they weren't newly created because of the situation. How would it be if we could keep those feelings and thoughts and priorities at the top of the pile instead of letting them sit at the bottom of the stack collecting dust, being expedited to the front only in extreme situations? We'd probably all tweak quite a few decisions and be happier people.

Gretchen was never part of a one-time-world-changing event. So it was very satisfying to look at her life as a whole and see what 59 years of slow, steady, quiet work had produced. And very inspiring. I summed up the overriding message that I walked away with because of her example: DO GOOD. BE GOOD. INFUSE GOOD.

Have a fabulous weekend...I'm sure we all need it!

{Kaia Marie and her namesake. Taken 5/6/11 at Brandon and Kristen's wedding dinner.}

Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero. ~Marc Brown

After having two kids, somehow I formed an automated response to the much-asked question..."Are you done?" And the answer was something like this: "If it were just for me, I'd be done. BUT...I feel like there's something siblings have to offer each other that I just can't, so I'm going to keep going." To be honest, I almost looked at it as a gift I was giving them. The opportunity of built-in support, advice, love, and friendship.

Thursday afternoon, Dallin came running to the door- screaming- with blood dripping from his face. His brother was right on his heels. We brought him in and doctored him up. Porter sat quietly by his side the whole while, observing but not willing to leave. After all was said and done and they were both still just sitting, I was looking at this the scene from a different room. In real time- right then and there, not later in reflection- I was in awe of the bond these two boys share. In awe, because although it's something we can encourage, it's not something Yosh and I can give to them or force on them. It is their relationship to decide what to do with. A transparent moment showed thus far they've decided to develop, nurture, and protect it.


Throughout the last few years, my mom has made trips to NM on a more than regular basis to check in on her little sister. The last six weeks, she just stayed. Despite the sadness and heaviness of the situation, there was no other place my mom was willing to be. The young summers of driving a million  miles to visit each other, the thousands of phone calls, the hours of chit-chatting....it was all coming to an end. AJ's life paused to solidify the depth of this relationship. The uniqueness was reciprocated as Gretchen was surrounded my many who loved and cared for her, but for the more personal care-taking, she was only willing to let my mom be the care-taker. The end truly represented the culmination of what they had become to each other.


My sweet grandma sat at the rosary in Gretchen's honor, graciously accepting the comfort so many were trying to offer. As Uncle Kip would say in the eulogy...."No parent should have to bury their daughter." And she felt the weight of this unfortunate circumstance, even at 90 years old, loathing the loss. In the side door, located right by where she was sitting, her sister unexpectedly came walking in. As Alby caught sight of her, her raw reaction- back all of a sudden straight, dropped jaw, eyes big- confirmed that real comfort had arrived. As she sat down right next to Alby, and their heads naturally tilted in until they touched, and their hands locked, Alby was now truly able to let someone else share her burden.


"Is solace anywhere more comforting than in the arms of a sister?" ~Alice Walker


Those words I've said so many times- how siblings have something only they can offer each other- were spoken with an innocent shallowness. This week has shed some of that innocence and carved depth in that theory.

We need each other. 

Who are you?

I was out for dinner the other night with my friend and was dying laughing when she described herself in her own words........"Often wrong. Never uncertain." Why is this so funny? Like with most humor, it's derived from truth and this is a girl who sees life in black and white and presents everything she says as FACT. Which is why I'm often hammering her for an opinion fact on any and every subject I have a question on.


Now how would I describe my own self? It would probably go a little something like this, ............"Always uncertain. Next to never wrong. Why? Because I take a stance on....well, almost nothing." Oh yeah and probably finish that up with, "Peace. Love. Do your thing." Coming from a girl who undoubtedly sees the world in ...gray. How did this happen? Aren't you supposed to be more sure of more things the older you get? Well somehow the opposite is happening to me. The older I get the more I think that life is summed up- rather than in right and wrong, black and white- that different decisions yield different outcomes and these outcomes fill different niches in life, ya know? So maybe take a look at the path you're decision making is taking you and decide if you want to continue on that ride or change the route.  That's how I look at things.


How do you view it all? Are you a black and white, all or nothing kind of person? Are you nothing but shades of gray? Is there an exception for everything? How would you describe yourself? Just try, it's kinda fun/funny.


Now the other thing I love about this friend was her follow up comment. She was all, "I'll be the first to say 'scratch that idea I had before. I've changed my mind." Meaning, don't hold her to any of her opinions facts because she is an ever-evolving thinker. And you know what? I think that is what holds me back from taking a side on issues- I feel like I'm making a forever decision that has to hold up...well, for forever. 


You know that saying "YOU HAVE TO STAND FOR SOMETHING OR ELSE YOU'LL FALL FOR ANYTHING"? At this point in my life, consider me on the ground crumbled to next to nothing. BUT in thinking about all of this, I'm considering taking more stands. At the risk of being wrong. Or at the risk of allowing myself just a momentary stance. ALWAYS open to changing my opinion next month, next week, or more likely....tomorrow.  We'll see how it goes. But always keep at the forefront......"PEACE. LOVE. DO YOUR THING." That's me.