I was driving past the hospital today when an unexpected lump arose in my throat. Nostalgia sank in so much deeper than I would have expected. I was driving my "for sale" Honda Pilot- our stepping stone from 1 to 2 kids.  It took my breath away as we used a big chunk of our savings as a down payment- a huge leap of faith for me-but then breathed life right back into me as it was the SUV I just had to have. It is the car that drove me to the hospital to have two of my babies. And it was the car that we brought three babies home in. The Pilot will soon be gone. And the hospital I passed most likely won't host anymore birth-giving parties. And to me there is no day more special than birth-giving day. Anticipating it is like the night before Christmas as a little kid. Except that each night of the last two weeks have been like the night before Christmas. So imagine the accumulative effect. The adrenaline, excitement, and jitters are at an all time high.  I thank my lucky stars that all four births have been healthy ones and relatively normal in spite of a couple hiccups. So when that baby comes out and accepts life, and the bond is for the first time physical, time literally stands still. There's this small window- when you've unloaded the burden of being pregnant but have yet to take on the reality of a newborn- where everything is perfect. Ignorance is uninhibited and love encounters no walls. Life freezes- just for you- and allows you to drink it up, to have your cake and eat it too as the saying goes. I would trade in Christmas every year in exchange for a birth-giving day once a year. To taste that euphoria if only for a few hours. But since Christmas is set in stone and I can't handle the exponential stress that each baby brings, it'll all remain a memory that each day falls more into the distance. Although reaching for those days, those 4 special days, will leave me with only thin air and empty hands, today I have all my growing babies to love on and hold close.

(an inspiration from 71toes.blog- write down what mom is thinking in the pictures. some day both the kids and i will want to know about mom. Tonight (which is when this pic was taken) I was thinking how sometimes it's great when daddy's out of town because cereal for dinner at 7:00 or whenever is great. i was thinking "how is it possible that baby girl loses a spoonful of baby food in her knee rolls?" i was wondering how not having school the next day eases all the stress even though the night routine doesn't change much. I was thinking how much i love my kids and how awesome it is to be their mom. Ok, no I wasn't but it sounds good, right!)