I was driving past the hospital today when an unexpected lump arose in my throat. Nostalgia sank in so much deeper than I would have expected. I was driving my "for sale" Honda Pilot- our stepping stone from 1 to 2 kids.  It took my breath away as we used a big chunk of our savings as a down payment- a huge leap of faith for me-but then breathed life right back into me as it was the SUV I just had to have. It is the car that drove me to the hospital to have two of my babies. And it was the car that we brought three babies home in. The Pilot will soon be gone. And the hospital I passed most likely won't host anymore birth-giving parties. And to me there is no day more special than birth-giving day. Anticipating it is like the night before Christmas as a little kid. Except that each night of the last two weeks have been like the night before Christmas. So imagine the accumulative effect. The adrenaline, excitement, and jitters are at an all time high.  I thank my lucky stars that all four births have been healthy ones and relatively normal in spite of a couple hiccups. So when that baby comes out and accepts life, and the bond is for the first time physical, time literally stands still. There's this small window- when you've unloaded the burden of being pregnant but have yet to take on the reality of a newborn- where everything is perfect. Ignorance is uninhibited and love encounters no walls. Life freezes- just for you- and allows you to drink it up, to have your cake and eat it too as the saying goes. I would trade in Christmas every year in exchange for a birth-giving day once a year. To taste that euphoria if only for a few hours. But since Christmas is set in stone and I can't handle the exponential stress that each baby brings, it'll all remain a memory that each day falls more into the distance. Although reaching for those days, those 4 special days, will leave me with only thin air and empty hands, today I have all my growing babies to love on and hold close.

(an inspiration from 71toes.blog- write down what mom is thinking in the pictures. some day both the kids and i will want to know about mom. Tonight (which is when this pic was taken) I was thinking how sometimes it's great when daddy's out of town because cereal for dinner at 7:00 or whenever is great. i was thinking "how is it possible that baby girl loses a spoonful of baby food in her knee rolls?" i was wondering how not having school the next day eases all the stress even though the night routine doesn't change much. I was thinking how much i love my kids and how awesome it is to be their mom. Ok, no I wasn't but it sounds good, right!)

Wow, life is busy. Have you ever heard me say I'm not a huge fan of busy? Because I'm not. But slowly I'm accepting the reality of parenthood/adulthood. This time around- mainly referring to the start of a new school year- I'm a little bit better about coaching myself through the rough patches, pepping myself up with the you-can-do-it talks, and breathing when I get the chance. But how come I can't tell my inner subconscious that this isn't a good time to get a decorating itch? Oh it's what I think about most days- fixing up certain neglected spaces in the house- but have no time/energy to really execute. Shoot I don't even have the mental energy to develop the ideas let alone execute them. And I know, I know....a time and a season for all things. Soon enough the kids will all be in school and blah blah blah. But like I said, it's the subconscious. I can't stop it.

So start of the school year...3 weeks deep if my math is correct. And.........we've already skipped a day. What?

Disneyland Sept 20, 2011. Highlight: getting to buy a toy. Of course they picked a Star Wars something or the other. Porter was ready to go home at noon so he could open his other presents. Yea, that didn't happen.

And then it was 3 days until the much anticipated birthday party. Or maybe the much anticipated acquisition of more new toys. I don't know, still trying to figure that one out.

So this was the first pinata we've done at a party. As I was looking through the pictures of me and the pinata......

....it was apparent I didn't hide my fear/anxiety at all. That was the most stressful hour 5 minutes of the night.

Happy Birthday to the Pistol. He's a good lad and we're lucky to have landed him!

I was looking through my pictures last night and started laughing when I saw these two. Because I remembered why I took them. See that Deeter Lucas looking thug in his little outfit? Well we bought those socks when Porter was a toddler- a toddler in a "stage", if you will. And this stage was a short-wearing-only stage. So the purchase of these awesome socks (not pictured is the big pirate on the front of each one...) came with a condition....he could only wear them with pants. Because our child wasn't going to be looking all crazy walking around with shorts and pirate socks pulled up to his knees, surely paired with some DCs. As you can imagine, that rule was quickly broken by Porter. And Yosh and I quietly admitted that they looked absolutely adorable worn his way. And so it has continued down to little brother, this awesome style. Kids feeling confident is their own look is so much more important than me feeling confident in how I perceive other's look at them. I hope I remember that learned lesson because I'm sure it's going to be put to the test time and time again in these next 15 years....

Glad I captured the moment....

What's on my mind

1) If I would only throw those shoulders back and stand up straight it would appear that I lost those last 10 lbs I'm trying to shake.

{I should have a million pictures to insert and display my terrible posture that grows my stomach to about double it's actual size but I can't find any but I've had this issue forever. Working on it starting right now.}

2) Small changes produce grand results- mundane is lost when errands are done on a beach cruiser.

(My new mode of transportation for around town when no kids are in tow.)

3) Your day really frees up when you have a 1st grader and a Kindergartner.

4) I finally understand the sayings, "I've never seen a smile that wasn't beautiful" and "You're never fully dressed without a smile." My daughter has taught me about the beauty of smiling.

5) I think these boys realize they are lucky to have each other.

6) It's much easier traveling with 2 kids rather than 4.

(Jodi and Travin's wedding Sept 3, 2011. Aztec, NM)

7) I should be helping with homework and working on dinner. On the menu tonight:

BLTAs

Watermelon

Peach milkshakes

(I refuse to accept summer is over...)